Macyns birthday is coming up! Feburary the 15th is the big day! Shell be 6 years old!
When I gave birth to Macyn I weighed 380lbs. Being pregnant and super morbidly obese is probably one of the worst overweight experiences I had.
Drs. would ask me to go see someone else. No one wanted me as a patient. I was too much of a problem. They didnt think my body could handle childbirth. No one ever said they thought there was a chance I would die they just kept telling me I was high risk. Had a high risk pregnancy. Everything about my situation was high risk.
I ended up with midwives. Multiple women all checking in on me reporting back to a team of drs. Different people every office visit at different times telling me I’m high risk. Whatever that means. Most weeks I had to pee in a jug for 3 days and take it to the hospital for testing. At 20 weeks they wanted me on bed rest just because of my size but I couldnt afford to stop working. I pushed through to Feb before they pulled the plug on work. Bed rest didnt last long and on my valentines day appointment they announced we couldnt wait anymore. She had to come out for both of our safety.
I remember the mid wife touching my calf and saying you cant feel how swollen you are? I laughed and said I just thought I was fat. It never truly hit me how dangerous my pregnancy really was. I was use to operating my life in an obese body. I didnt want to think of myself as less capable of someone of normal size. I was doing this damn thing…Regardless of what drs thought.
I read all the tips: sleep on your back not your side. I took my vitamins daily. I read all the pregnancy tips I could find. But I never changed the way I ate. I couldnt. I was just trying to survive for both of us. Survive the stress of being a super morbidly obese pregnant breadwinner in a bad relationship. And surviving to me meant multiple cheese danishes a day. I had my boss leaving arby’s lava cakes on my desk to keep me motivated to show up and do my job. I had no clothes that fit right that I could wear to work and would come home at lunch just so I could take my pants off for a bit to relax.
I remember the day they put me on bed rest. I was driving back from a district meeting. I had gotten there late because I was well pregnant and tired and didnt really feel like going if were being honest. Everyone had called and messaged me to make sure I was ok. I thought that was sweet and felt bad for making them worry. That night I came home to my drs appointment and found out why I didnt feel like going. My body was no longer handling the stress of pregnancy as well as before. I was admitted to the hospital for the night and released home after being put on bed rest. We knew she wasnt going to stay in full term but the drs wanted her to have as many more days as possible before absolutely having to take her out.
I had a valemtines day dr appointment. Her dad was home sick so I went alone. Stopping at target and getting a snack first making a joke I wish I could pay drs to induce me because I just felt terrible. I was over being pregnant. I hurt I felt like death warmed over more and more each day. I got there and immediately was told my last pee jug test showed I needed to be induced immediately. They wanted to send me to the hospital in the ambulance. I negotiated with my midwife. I’d have macyns dad drive me after I let my dogs out at home. I have no clue why. It just felt important to do. I like to blame it on the preeclampsia from keeping me from thinking straight.
Immediately as I arrived at home I remembered thinking shit I’m not going to get to eat for a while so I started stuffing brownies in my mouth. Like an entire pan of brownies. It seemed like a good idea to eat something before going to have a baby right? Her dad then wanted to stop at McDonald’s for some lunch before we left for the hospital and I called my sister to let her know what was happening.
Drs and nurses were waiting for me to arrive by the time we made it to the hospital and they began prepping me for induction. The pain of the drug induced labor hurt but I still remember feeling so embarrassed my belly was too big for the external heart beat monitor after 100 failed attempts they broke my water putting in the internal fetal monitor.
My entire pregnancy I wanted to labor in the jacuzzi at the hospital and about had a melt down when I found out they couldnt let me use it because my blood pressure was too high. I literally hid in the bathroom and they had to bribe me out. Not my finest hour. I was angry I didnt have a valentines present and my sister took macyns dad to walmart so I’d stop complaining but when they stopped to eat at my favorite chinese food buffet before coming back that set me off again.
It’s strange how when your in a life changing situation the weirdest things stand out to you. The only person I remember being really happy to see was macyns grandmother who smuggled in a brownie batter doughnut that I ate and later puked back up.
At one point my pitocin was turned up too high and with the super rapid contractions I asked for some pain killers. They made me loopy and I can only remember looking at Macyns dad and telling him I dont want a csection. I can do this. But hearing my nurse say my blood pressure was still rising made me wonder if I was going to make it through. Eventually I feel into a restless sleep before coming back around for my epidural later in the day.
After spending a day and half acting like a deva and focusing on things that really didnt matter most likely because I didnt want to contemplate the alternative important health issues at hand I finally had Macyn the night of the 15th. She was beautiful and perfect and immediately knew she was special.
It hit me right away… she fought through so much to be born so perfectly healthy. I never stopped to appreciate what my body was able to do. I just complained the whole pregnancy about how hard it was. I almost completely ignored the statistics that show how much more dangerous having a child is when your super morbidly obese. What could have gone wrong. How blessed I was to even be able to have a child. My body did that. Even when I wasnt fueling it correctly. Even though I wasnt taking care of myself the way I should have been it was still providing for my unborn daughter. For weeks longer then doctors and midwives thought I could.
Macyn has been the biggest blessing. When she was born and it hit me how much she had to fight through to get into this world I made a commitment to start taking care of myself for her. But life happened my better health goals got side tracked. I lost myself again in things that dont really matter in the grand scheme of life. I’m blessed to still be here and have carried out that promise now that I made to that little baby in my arms 6 years ago. Everyday I try to be the mom that kid deserves. Not a perfect mom but a happy and healthy mom that will always do her best by her daughter.