I won’t forget…

I told myself I’d never forget where my journey started. I told myself I would never forget the way it felt. I told myself I had to hang onto that hopeless feeling that I used to feel so I’d never forget.  But as the days go by I absolutely hate it.

I hate to remember what it felt like crying in the Burger King Drive Thru because I knew I didn’t really want to eat it but I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t turn down my regular dinner of 2 Double Whoopers and 2 slices of Oreo Pie. I’d left work and told myself I wasn’t stopping. I’d done this before. Promised myself I wouldn’t do it again. But I lied to myself often. There I was sobbing in my car WHILE waiting in line to order.

I asked myself why. Why was I here again. I’d already decided I didn’t want to be. But I truly felt out of control. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of line even though I wanted to. I knew I was gonna hate myself afterwards but that wasn’t enough to stop me. Why? Addiction does that.

You can know something is literally killing you and continue to crave it. Continue to use it, consume it, adore it and yes feel like you need it. Sobbing in a Burger King parking lot eating my 2 Large sized meals by myself I made myself say it outloud “I am a food addict.” I knew I had a lot of mental pain and trauma that contributed to my eating disorder but I also knew sugar was a major driving force in my food addiction. By feeding myself nothing but sugar I was only feeding that sugar addiction making myself crave; nay, need even more each and every day until no longer could I reach that “satisfied” feeling that most people enjoy after a meal.

Yes. I will never forget what it felt like being lost in the obsession of my food and sugar addiction but don’t think I don’t wish I could.