Letter to my former self:
Dear Past Self:
I’ve been grieving a lot for you lately. I see you everyday in the mirror and lately I just feel the urge to apologize.
I’m sorry I said those things about you. I’m sorry I told you that you were weak. I’m sorry I made you do things you weren’t comfortable with just for attention. I’m sorry I told you that you deserved to be treated that way. I’m sorry. So so sorry.
I hate that I blamed you for so much. I hate that I didnt try to help you sooner. I hate that I encouraged you to settle for less then you deserved. I hate that I told you that you weren’t worthy of love.
You were always beautiful even when I told you you weren’t because I only saw the numbers on the scale. You were always strong and kept going even when I told you that you were weak and wouldn’t make it. You were loved even when I told you otherwise.
I’m sorry it took me so long to stop listening to the media and society. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize what really was important in life. To realize I was important. I’m sorry. So sorry.
I’m sorry I blamed you for my arthritis. I’m sorry I blamed you for my bad choices. I’m sorry I tried to differentiate myself from you. I blamed you because I was scared. Scared to admit I was capable of tearing myself down that far.
Someone asked me advice I’d give my earlier self. My gut says if I did have the chance I’d say:
“Thank you for hanging in there. Sticking around. Until I got myself together. I realize I could have killed you and did some pretty unforgivable things to you. I know I will never be able to make amends for what I did to you.
I’m sorry and thank yous will never be enough. But the one thing I’ll always hold onto from you was how much you wanted to help others. How much you wanted others to experience the same life change we went through of self love and self discovery.
So even on my hard days I’m going to show up and share your messages everyday: If your struggling there are tools to help. Its ok to admit your not OK. Sometimes your not broken society is. You can be fierce at any size. You can be loved by 1000s of people but none of it matters if you dont love yourself.”
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